It’s been a while.

Not sure if anyone is checking up on here still, but hello!

I’ve started (and then subsequently abandoned) many blog posts. I hope to eventually go back and pick up the sentences that were hastily/furiously strung together and re-weave a cohesive story of what I’ve been doing and how I’ve been feeling over the last 2 months.

So, where are we?

I am sitting at the dining table in my childhood home (that has been commandeered as my WFH space), eating tangerines, and sipping on coffee that was made this morning (it is now 10pm).

Here are some updates:

  • I’m fully vaxxed!
    & you should be too! I hope.
  • I have a new job!
    I simultaneously have a lot to say and nothing to say about this.
    Honestly navigating this new startup/fully remote thing is just as hazy as navigating the newly single life. Are 1:1s supposed to be professional? Informal? How much of a meeting are you supposed to spend having small talk? If I use GIFs in a deck will I still be taken seriously? Is it obvious how young I am? I’m used to being friends with other 24 year olds, and now I have 0 idea how old my coworkers are! I’ve never seen their pants or their shoes! You can tell a lot by people’s shoes!!
    I just want some work friends :(
    I will say, though, it’s quite fun. I’m excited for all the work I will do. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this invigorated and energized professionally.
  • I have new hair!
    I chopped it and dyed the bottom part purple. Only now it’s less purple and more silver/white. Whatever. It’s still a look.
    In Korean dramas, when a girl or boy gets dumped, they chop off all their hair. The thought that I was playing into this trope crossed my mind as I was getting mine cut.
    To be fair, I definitely needed a change. It’s a little ironic because he always liked my hair short, and he was the one who originally suggested I dye it purple. I suppose I took/take some pleasure in the fact that he won’t get to see it.
    I still look in the mirror and am caught off guard with the girl who is staring back at me. I still am in disbelief that I went through with it.
    Since I transformed my hair one week into my new job, I’m pretty sure my coworkers assume I am this edgy gal who… idk has a pet snake and a closet full of leather clothes or something.
    It has, however, been refreshing to be able to surprise myself. Perhaps I’ve been playing it safe for too long. In sporting this new ‘do, I have successfully challenged the idea of who I am. I never thought I would dye my hair or cut it above the chin, but here we are!
    The other reason that I chopped it off and decided to dye the bottom was because I started to lose patches of my hair ~3 years ago. Stress is the trigger, so I’ve been told by my doctor. I would usually notice it while showering, mysterious black clumps in my hands, and then while stepping out of the shower, staring into the mirror, a nickel-sized bald spot shining brightly on my scalp. It’s funny how when you start to feel like you aren’t in control of your life that you start to lose control of your body.
    The thing about stress is that although you constantly feel the strain of it, you have nothing to physically show for it. No broken bones. No scabs. No bruises. So when my hair started to fall out in clumps in the shower, I felt… sort of validated? Like look! I am so stressed out my hair is literally falling out!
    And although I feel relief whenever it starts to grow back [lmao the doctor is not sure that it always will grow back], I know that it’s not because I am any less stressed. If anything, I start to feel anxious about when and where the next bald spot will emerge. So I guess by cutting it all off and bleaching it, I am taking control of the hair that I do have on my head.
  • I have a new apartment!
    So I finally booked my flight back to New York.
    S/o to the friends who helped me find & secure this apartment. S/o to the friends who are helping me get my belongings out of his apartment and into mine. S/o to the friends who will help me pick out my furniture & be patient with me as I go back and forth between a yellow sofa or green velvet couch. You know who you are.
    I will be living by myself for the first time ever, which is exciting! I am thrilled at the prospect of making my studio my own place (I even have plans to paint!), and a week from now, all my stuff will be out of his apartment and finally in my hands. Which means, it will all be over.
    I’m not sure that I’m ready for the finality, but I think I need it.

I don’t know if I’m happy yet, but I’m certainly excited to be.

Until next time (which will be much sooner, I promise).

not sure what i'm doing here