It’s been a while.
Not sure if anyone is checking up on here still, but hello!
I’ve started (and then subsequently abandoned) many blog posts. I hope to eventually go back and pick up the sentences that were hastily/furiously strung together and re-weave a cohesive story of what I’ve been doing and how I’ve been feeling over the last 2 months.
So, where are we?
I am sitting at the dining table in my childhood home (that has been commandeered as my WFH space), eating tangerines, and sipping on coffee that was made this morning (it is now 10pm).
It’s been quite a few days since my last post.
To be fair, I have stared at this blank white page for those many days, trying to figure out what I should write about.
But I felt like I should post to let you know that I am alive! My blog is still kicking!
So an update:
Out of a consideration for my heart and my well-being, I packed up some clothes and my 27-inch monitor and flew to Los Angeles. I wasn’t sure if flying to the city where everything started would make me feel better. …
You have already forfeited your right into my thoughts and my life.
You have already removed yourself from this equation, and have left a void in its place.
Yet, somehow, surprisingly, I still have things to say. So I will yell them into this void that you created.
And I know that by saying these things, I won’t change the result. Things aren’t going to simply add up. You won’t, and can’t, simply come back and make everything whole again.
You said that something was missing with us, something that was never missing with her.
You said that you…
Reading over all these parts again, I realize that I’ve mentioned her in nearly every part. However, in the times of our relationship, while living under the same roof, she was never brought up in any of our conversations.
Pre-COVID, his work office was going through some renovations and his team was temporarily relocated to Rockefeller. I can’t remember if we ever talked about it, but I knew that she worked in the same building. Of all the buildings in New York, they happened to be working in the same one. Should I have taken this as a sign?
Ok, let’s resume!
He wanted to live together. My roommate was moving to San Francisco when our lease ended, so the timing really couldn’t be any better. The questions that I asked myself then, and now with the break-up, are these: Were we moving together due to the convenience? Because it was cheaper?
Although letting someone into your bed is one thing, letting someone into your bed permanently and then calling it our bed is a whole new ball game.
‘You know people don’t move in together expecting to move out, right?’ I asked him.
He is the…
I think we need a little break today!
Did you know that I was once a band nerd?
I started playing piano when I was like 6, had a stint in violin in 5th grade, decided orchestra sucked, tried to learn the flute in 2 weeks so that I didn’t have to stay in beginner band, and didn’t look back. Oh, and I picked up the alto sax somewhere down the line, which transitioned to tenor once I got to high school. It all stopped senior year, when I decided the competition made me crazy and insecure about my skills…
I’ve been struggling to write this next part because although it was over two years ago, it feels like I’m entering the final chapter, the one that leads to the ‘last’ heartbreak, the one that leads me to this very moment, sitting on my friend’s couch in Portland, watching Gilmore Girls.
Our return to Asia!
It was his idea to go — he wanted to visit Peter and wanted me to come with him. I could meet him in Taiwan, then we could book the same flight back to LA so that I could enjoy a few days…
I’m a lone sea urchin, stuck at the bottom of this abyss, and I also happen to blend in since I am the same color as the abyss & evolution has taught me camouflage is important, but no one can see me to try to help get me out.
I’m that forgotten, used up dryer sheet, left on the floor of the laundry room that’s been stepped on a few times.
I’m that little bit of cookie dough left in the mixing bowl, that knows it isn’t enough to make a whole cookie & will never get to be one.
Oh man*, it’s been a rough 72 hours.
I am thankful to all the friends who have checked in, have sent virtual hugs and physical gifts, have texted to ask if I’ve eaten or slept. Without my support system, I don’t know what I’d do.
Love may not be interchangeable, but knowing that there are people who love me and are willing to be there unconditionally is so very comforting in itself.
There’s a gnawing feeling that I’m a burden. Well, maybe I haven’t reached burden status quite yet, but I feel like I will at some point…
FYI, this is a continuation of my last post (ahem so if you haven’t read it I would maybe go back and read it).
Also, yeah I know I literally started this blog like an hour ago why am I already on the 3rd post don’t @ me.
They didn’t just stay friends. Obviously.
You see, he returned to campus for the spring semester, and at least from my perspective, things felt exactly the same as before he left for abroad.
But there was this other girl.
[ok about to go on a tangent here wasn’t sure if I…